Saturday, June 04, 2005

Why I've Been AFK

D's first encounter with the whip

Life is in the way of my blog and I don't care. I'm having fun.

Since the infamous play party, I have been spending all of my free time lying in someone else's bed. I'm trying to work out how I feel about that. Is it another in my endless stream of whirlwind-romance/doomed-from-the-start/frying-pan-to-fire affairs I seem to have an affinity for? Could be. But it could also be that something-I-didn't-think-possible event that I would be a fool to throw away. Either way, it's bound to generate some new material and, after all, isn't that what makes my life worth living?

Besides the beatings, D. and I have an alarming number of similarities, from the trivial to the epic. We talk about everything our greedy mouths and minds can conjure up and listen to each other's ramblings. He's the first person I've met that reminds me of myself that I don't instantly hate. I hope this means that I am gaining self acceptance.

I love it when I learn something new about myself and this week has been a tumult of discovery. For example, I have been astounded by, not only my readiness to inflict harm on the bodies of others, but the sheer delight I experience while doing so. I can't even type the words without a pleasant tingle at the memory.

I am sleepy and satisfied.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

That sure is a nice ass.

8:36 PM  
Blogger Anne Walk said...

i agree. it was nice to start with but i feel that i have improved upon it.

9:08 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

It's a good start :)

9:17 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

that is your ass??? I thought it was an arm....just how scrawny are

12:46 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

looks like it from that angle doesn't it

1:10 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

yes it does......I bet from any point of sad......I always pictured mew as an amazon.....she must just tower over you....

1:31 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hiding behind anonymity is sad.

1:43 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

how so?....and it seems you are avoiding the question

2:00 AM  
Blogger Anne Walk said...

if you don't like what is posted, it's best to not read the blog. i understand that you are in pain but this is not the way to feel better.

posts are traceable.

2:03 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

is this a blog? I thought it was just for two people to send cute, coy messages back and forth to each other

6:25 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

and maybe you shouldnt mock past relationships and trivialize them as just affairs...

6:38 AM  
Blogger Anne Walk said...

i'm sorry, J. it was not my intention to trivialize my past relationships at all, but my own lack of trust for my feelings.

i thought about - and we discussed - my desire to write without self-censoring my words, my thoughts, my desires. i can't use this diary to write things that will make you more comfortable simply because i know that you are reading it. there are others that read the blog too and i'm sure there have been moments of discomfort - maybe even disgust - but i've set this goal for myself and, as much as i want to back away from it sometimes, i will not.

i am also uncomfortable with deleting comments that i find uncomfortable which is why this conversation is still available.

it makes me uncomforable to know that you are reading my words looking for ways to hurt me as you feel i am hurting you. but i also understand that, by flipping on the comments, i'm giving you license to bare your own emotions.

it hurts to see you this way. you used to be so together.

1:08 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am not looking to hurt you.....but I also know how good you are with words.
You know exactly the meaning and the effect of what you are saying at all times. We have had discussions, and I have actually come away from them feeling better....and then read the blog only to see and feel the arrows you are shooting out. You have even injected a personnal private conversation we had online...all in the name of art of course, and you basically knew what kind of reaction there would be. That was just out of spite and meanness. There are always at least two people involved in any discussions or interactions, but you always seem to feel that because you are involved that they are 100% yours to do with as you wish, disregarding the feelings or the affect it might have on the other party, and then claiming total disbelief that the reaction occurred. We both know you are so much smarter than that. In fact, you are one the smartest people I have ever met.
Could I just stop reading your blog...yes, but the fact remains that you are still shooting the arrows, whether I read it or not.

I understand that you have moved on, and that if you two want to beat yourselves until you are both black and be it. You two are comfortable broadcasting that to everyone. With you and I, there were two of us involved, not just one. And I said at the beginning of our relationship that I didnt want to be one of your art projects. I dont want you to stop your are still one of the most talented people I have ever met, but you need to use some discretion in what you decide to use or say.

3:22 PM  

Post a Comment

<< Home