Thursday, June 30, 2005

Altered, Boy!

Speaking of adapting art to suit commodity models inherent in the gallery structure, Carlo Zanni as created Alterboy, essentially a white cube to house (and limit access to) web based works.

The Altarboy Oriana shown at Chelsea Museum in the show Passage of Mirage curated by Christiane Paul and Zhang Ga in the fall of 2004.
While many digital works can be stored and loaded from a CD or DVD, Net works need to stay online. So basically many issues and questions rise from that status the first one being: how can I own something that needs to stay public to ‘exist’?... I wanted to find a neutral and very customable model, something characterized by a ‘primordial asset’. So I came up with the idea to sell a server directly, a small personal server. In this way it is up to the collector to decide when and where to put the work online, allowing the network to start again and viewers to visit/interact with it.
While Zanni states that this new acquisition tool doesn't alter the nature of the work, I disagree. Altarboy changes the work by taking it out of the public realm. These new (anti)Net works can now be sequestered in the collection vaults of galleries and the homes of the wealthy at the expense of artistic information sharing.

It's true that net artists don't have to sell their works to collectors but, as this proprietorship idea advances, prices for the work may well go up and who doesn't want to make money?

Can you imagine? Websites sans web, housed in privately owned repositories, presided over by Art Monks.

Bears Abound

bears abound
I Heart Bears In Seattle

I made this painting with B.

I like to paint. It's fun. Outcomes are unimportant. I paint over the same canvasses, over and over, and invite those around me to participate. I used to have painting/drinking parties with lots of paints and brushes available. Mixed media additions were also encouraged. Some of the paintings have gotten quite thick over time. There's one at K.'s house in Toronto. If you're ever over at his house, pick up a brush and add to it.

Wednesday, June 29, 2005


I just woke up from a long nap and I'm groggy.

I'm always groggy and irritable after napping. Others say that it refreshes them. I do not feel refreshed.

I made my first vlog and it's over at Byte Me. It's an experiment which I hope will lead to something interesting. Will it be art because I made it?

I've also been watching a great many vlogs over the past couple of days. This one, by Jay Dedman over at Momentshowing, talks about his first year as a vlogger and what it means to him:

click to watch the video

Tuesday, June 28, 2005

Byte Me

D. and I decided to work on a collaborative blog as a little forum for our mutual interest in all things dealing with communication technologies. Some of the posts I make here will either be repeated or elaborated on there.

We will also be using it to conduct experiments in audio and vlogging as well as other stuff we may get a hankering to sample. We're working out the details on the fly so there may be significant changes to it as we go...


A girlfriend of mine recently told me that when she sees her boyfriend's phone number on her phone's caller ID window, she has an instantaneous sexual response. It's a sense of just-after-the-orgasm, in what is now to her a totally sexual moment (the reception of a call from a lover or potential lover). The phone number of the lover becomes local and fetishized, and it comes to represent something sexy, as the pattern of the number itself becomes so over-identified as a sign of the lover. The same could be said for screen names, which are the digital identities one creates when joining instant-messenger groups on the web. I can remember a screen name that used to make me shudder, although I know it was an arbitrary sign, a set of symbols that came to embody something more. If the letters had been attached to someone else they would never have held the same significance, as it was totally subjective and local to my own fetish, my own desire. I adhered myself to the sign nonetheless because it represented a connection between myself and the individual--a very hot connection in my mind that felt immediate, instant, and close. Emily Lacy

Monday, June 27, 2005

Video Art Log

D. and I were fooling around with FireANT for windows users this weekend and are seriously considering starting vlogs of our own.

This has been an interest I've had since I started watching video blogs and one that has garnered a bit of an argument with J. concerning artists and video and maintaining the gallery status quo.

So, the New York Times article on video art collecting this weekend was a timely read for me:
THE first odd thing about collecting video art is this: the medium came into being partly because artists wanted to make work that couldn't be collected. It was born in 1965 when Sony introduced the first portable video camera, attracting artists like Nam June Paik, Bruce Nauman, Joan Jonas and Vito Acconci. "The dream we had was art that couldn't be sold, but broadcast on television," the video artist Bill Viola said in a recent phone interview.

By the 1980's, however, dealers and artists were turning video into a commodity. Now prices range from a few thousand dollars to six figures. Though collectors aren't talking money, the Kramlichs' curator allows that the couple have spent "millions" amassing some 250 pieces.

Now, as during the beginnings of video art, we are presented with an opportunity. Do we adopt the inclusive new technology with it's ability to allow anyone a stage to present video (good or bad), or do we continue to adapt video art to accommodate the gallery market?

Survey Says.....

D. helped me make an RSS feed for my blog over the weekend. Let me rephrase that. D. made an RSS feed for my blog. I watched the Daily Dancer strut his stuff.

There is a sweet sincerity to the DD's dances. He's just plain awful at it and that's what's so endearing.

I also took the MIT survey about blogging and would encourage other bloggers to do the same:
This is a general social survey of the greater weblog community being conducted at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology. Our goal is to help understand the way that weblogs are affecting the way we communicate with each other. Specifically we are interested in issues of demographics, communication behaviors, experience with weblogs and other technology, and the meaning of various types of social links within the blogosphere.

The survey takes about 15 minutes to complete, and we are asking anyone with a weblog to participate. The larger the sample of individuals we can get, the better our picture of the community will be.

Saturday, June 25, 2005

An Anonymous Visitor

excerpt from today's performance...

susansontag2005: what are the further adventures of the fennel plunger corporation to be?
theonemissmew: that's a good i can't answer.
theonemissmew: are you out gallery hopping today?
susansontag2005: somewhat...I'm glad I was able to view your exhibition as I was somewhat curious
susansontag2005: have you exhibited in toronto before?
theonemissmew: no i haven't.
susansontag2005: and how has the reaction been thus far? you're vancouver based?
theonemissmew: i'm in penticton at the moment...the reaction has been mixed.
theonemissmew: lots of folks are too nervous to approach the computer.
susansontag2005:. it can happen, although the donuts should appear more inviting, so keep it up.


Friday, June 24, 2005

Shoot Me!

I don't go on cam everyday but I often have messenger up and get text messages from visitors to the gallery. I respond when I'm at my computer. Today, I got this one:
susansontag2005: hello?
theonemissmew: hello
susansontag2005: how are you?
theonemissmew: i'm well, ty. yourself?
susansontag2005: not too bad
theonemissmew: are you visiting the show?
susansontag2005: yup
susansontag2005: Its great
theonemissmew: i'm glad that you like it.
theonemissmew: i'm usually on cam on saturdays
susansontag2005: work satrdays. too bad :<
theonemissmew: aw. that's too bad. where do you work?
susansontag2005: photo lab
susansontag2005: small one called motophoto
theonemissmew: i've always wondered. do you folks keep copies of pics you like?
susansontag2005: yes
susansontag2005: at least i waould hope so
theonemissmew: lol. just as i've always suspected!
susansontag2005: how long has this been going for?
theonemissmew: we opened the show on the 11th. it is going on til the middle of july sometime.
susansontag2005: do you have to sit at the computer a lot?
theonemissmew: i usually sit here anyway. sometimes, during the week, i go on if i feel like it.
susansontag2005: it almost feel like the one sitting here should be sending pics of themselves
theonemissmew: that would be fun. if you would like to send me pics, be my guest!
theonemissmew: you think there should be a cam at the gallery too?
susansontag2005: yeah
susansontag2005: or even a memory card reader
susansontag2005: i have my dig camera, and someone could connect that way too
theonemissmew: that's a nice idea.
susansontag2005: I just thought its kinda weird right now as the voyeur.
theonemissmew: well, people usually go to art galleries to look without being looked at in return.
susansontag2005: lol, but that is kinda the cool part too
susansontag2005: if it was a hidden camera it would be like a game show they would never know they were on
theonemissmew: i've had others suggest a hiddlen camera too. must be a few exhibitionists out there!
susansontag2005: I have to get going now, feels a little weird in the gallery, kinda quiet
susansontag2005: lol
theonemissmew: alright. thanks for the conversation.
susansontag2005: bye, thank s too

I have never used a hidden camera to record my participants in any of the performances I have done in the past...although, it has sometimes been suspected that I might be. I've wondered, at times, if people were disappointed to discover that I am not secretly recording them. Everyone wants to be in the movies.

I've been getting my photographs printed at a photo lab in Vancouver. I'm curious now as to how many apartment walls they are currently gracing...

Thursday, June 23, 2005

Posing For Adad

It turned out to be a good day to go to the gallery. After a short time offline, the gallery came back online and summoned me.

Adad Hannah was there and participated in the performance. He didn't believe the cam and had me touch my nose for verification (an old camming trick - so old in fact that faked cams now have nose touching segments to fool the viewer) Adad told me about his work and I checked out his site.

I love his video stills which are not actually stills but videos where people are attempting to remain motionless. If you watch carefully, you will see small movements. Blinking eyes. A faltering hand. Very nice. He also has a blog called baconparty.

And, he put me onto the Daily Dancer! This guy does a dance a day and makes a little video of it to post on his blog. Sounds great but I don't have windows media to play the videos. I'll have to check them out at D.'s.

Killing Time



Sometimes, while performing for the gallery, I get messages from various people in yahoo. This fellow here is a sculptor in Greece. He's separated but hoping to get back with his wife. He misses his kids. His company makes miniatures of important historical Greek figures that are idyllic in form. He longs to make flawed soldiers with pot bellies and balding heads. Tourists don't want to see that, he pines, and what are you gonna do?

Spur Me On To Nothing

I'm performing for the gallery today which is to say, I'm sitting in front of my computer, waiting, thinking about other things....

...J. just showed up and we had a nice chat. He took a picture of my crotch for the wall and we caught up on each other's lives.

I envy him his Master's.

I commented on January Blog about the Master's program and how relevant it is to an art career. Besides the connections and the validation of the degree, there is also the discipline of churning out work and writing and teaching. Since I've left school, my motivation has taken a drastic turn for the worse. I think, for me, this has a lot to do with being alone. Without the school system, I begin to think about how worthless what I do is. In school, the futility of art making acted as a spur. Now, it's just a nagging doubt.

Wednesday, June 22, 2005

Blogs And Birds

I went for my second visit with A. (the counsellor). I won't be going back again until sometime this fall when I go into treatment and all hell breaks loose. More on that later.

A. and I talked about blogs and I explained to him how mine provides a bit of stability for me. As long as I have access to an internet connection, I have a home no matter where I am. I think that all of his patients should have one and am going to show him how to set them up. I imagine A. is reading this right now. *waves*

On the walk down, I was attacked three times by an angry black bird. I actually had to run away, waving my umbrella in defense. Further down the road, a crow eyed me with suspicion and I, him. I waved my umbrella menacingly at him and he cawed in reply.

Tuesday, June 21, 2005


Sally Mckay wrote a really nice review of the TPW show. It's good to hear about what other people are seeing when they go there because I have not seen the show and it's doubtful that I will. I have to rely on others to view it for me and report on it.

To me, the show is a computer screen, inert most of the time, with the occasional bit of contact from a gallery patron or, more commonly, the bored staff.

Or, else, the show is my bedroom, now turned into a studio, brightly lit, black curtained and smoke filled. It feels like the hard chair I sit on, shifting uncomfortably, crossing and recrossing my legs.


Doubled Dreams

About a year ago, I dreamt that I was taking a tour of a building. I was with a large group of tourists and we were being shuffled over an outdoor walking bridge to enter the building. While we were moving along, I looked down to the road beneath us and saw myself standing below. I pointed at me, gaping, surprised. The me beneath looked up and snapped a pic.

Last night, I dreamt that I was walking along a road in a strange new town. I heard noises above me and looked up to see that very same walking bridge and remembered the dream I had had. I saw myself on the walking bridge, looking down, pointing, a surprised look on my face. I quickly snapped a pic.

Monday, June 20, 2005

I'm Outta Here!

It's a wonderful, sunny day today and I don't feel like blogging so I'm not.

Sunday, June 19, 2005

Kiss, Two Perspectives

kiss frame to frame
Kiss, frame to frame

kiss in real time
Kiss, real time

It's Father's Day

I don't celebrate it.

Instead, I was at D's place and made him (and his son) pancakes. D. and I spent most of the day lounging in bed. Actually, I spent most of the day lounging in D.'s bed watching him reformat his hard drives. He was quite frustrated with the process and I don't blame him. I'm so glad that I have my cute little imac.

Now, I'm home again and chomping at the bit to get into something. I am supposed to be working on a short video (yes, K. I got your postcard!) but I'm short the images I need and don't have the technology to get them onto my computer (or get the finished file written onto dvd, for that matter). Ugh. Why, oh why, did I sell all of my things and head out into the world?

I continue to get a plethora of worldwide hits from Eroticalee's viewership. I'm curious as to how they feel about being directed here. How great is the disappointment? What are they looking for? I can track their visits but I can't track their motivations.

Care to leave a comment or two?

Saturday, June 18, 2005

Earth Greetings


Another performance come and gone and I am feeling a little better about it.

I sit staring at the screen for hours, waiting for contact. I am forced to confront my boredom and my self worth. No one wants me. No one wants me., and I am on again. I am smiling and posing and touching again.

D. stayed with me throughout, in a station he set up beside me. He took installation shots of the room and, through his laptop, cam grabs for a future project I am working on. Bless his heart. When I was getting a little too bored, a little too distraught, he climbed under the desk and brought my energy back up. He's handy that way.

The cam stayed on at the gallery the entire time and I have no idea if people were watching me or if I was performing to an empty room. Like broadcasting a greeting message to possible aliens, I held onto hope.

Round Two

Round two has begun at the gallery. The cam is on so I may be being viewed at this moment....or not. I wonder what will happen today? I wish I could see the other side. It's so lonely...the waiting...the wondering.


I received an email last night informing me that I have been added to Eroticalee's blogroll. I've never heard of this site but have learned that it is run by a husband and wife team. Since last night, I've gotten visitors from Germany, Amsterdam, Barcelona, Tokyo, Seoul, Portugal, Sweden...etc. Very nice. Don't know if I'm quite what they're looking for (something tells me I'm not), but it's fun seeing the different countries show up.

Funny, I'm too sexual for some and not enough for others.

Friday, June 17, 2005

Grab Me

It is common to hear camgirls discussed as "mediated voyeurism,” a term that depends on cinematic gaze theory as its reference point. Yet I believe that rather than gazing, Web viewers to take in what they see in bits and pieces, out of sequence, re-making it according to their own desires, often recirculating it as their own. I suggest that rather than the cinematic gaze or even the televisual glance, the term “grab” (with all of its connections to temporality, embodiment, power and politics) more accurately describes the dynamics of Web spectatorship. Continuing in a psychoanalytic vein, “grabbing” represents not voyeurism, but rather commodity fetishism and its attendant belief that what matters is what can be owned, if even for a moment. I believe camgirls are interesting not because they seamlessly enable commodity fetishism, but because of their inevitable failure to please all consumers/viewers, all the time. Terri Senft

Dead Already

But now everything is shifting subject, clash of subjectivities, wave after wave of icons of subjective experience, iconoclash, avatarclash. Now for women and men the there is a collapse of this gender superstructure so that your style of being sensually and sexually may appear as extremely anomalous and the possibilities of being rejected as other, hovers right at the edge of possibility. The self is thrown into a performance of the self, an acting out, a trying out of different modes on different days in the effort to feel real to feel alive. ..because the biggest problem emotionally in the commodified hyperreal culture is the feeling of being dead already, depression. The performance of a 'self' or possible 'selves' is a strategy both engendered by the omnipresence of commodification--wanting to be distinguishable and yet recognizable and not monstrous. To want to be connected with others and yet to live with a terror of maybe being, consumed, annihilated by others. Christina McPhee

Feeling Blah

Wandered in this morning from another night out. All of my nights seem to be out lately. I am a visitor in my own home. My kids look up in surprise when I walk in. They ask how long I'll be staying and I shrug.

The place is a shambles. I need to get organized. I say that but I don't really mean it, otherwise I would do something. Instead, I curl up on the sofa and watch tv. I watched Philadelphia today and cried at all of the sad parts, chewing on a slice of pizza the kids ordered last night. I've left them with an uneven number of slices remaining which they will fight over later today.

Tonight, I sleep in my own bed and rise early to prepare for another performance at the gallery. I am filled with ambivalence. D. will be coming over to take some shots of me sitting at the computer awaiting participants. I'm interested to see what that will look like.

Thursday, June 16, 2005


the performer carries her theatre in her eyes as her shame her bed on her back and boredom fuels intiates the performer. no one claps. it is a usual another day. kim dawn


Received an offline message from the gallery today while I was out:
susansontag2005 [offline 12:30:44 PM]: hi miss mew
susansontag2005 [offline 1:13:35 PM]: this is pathetically uninspiring drivel.
It's good to know I'm making an impression!

Wednesday, June 15, 2005

My Hands For Yours


K. told me that he overheard someone commenting on my performance wondering if it was promoting internet porn. I suppose that's one way to look at it. Another might be thinking about how technology is used to connect to other people and the ways in which it is used by ordinary people.

Webcamming is an integral part of chat - a medium I've been interested in and participating in since 1999. By adopting an online persona, the participants are freed from societal strictures and they express this freedom, most frequently, through exhibitionism, voyeurism, cybersex, and the open display of secret desires and fetishes. The chat world is an endless carnival, filled with the tawdry and the taboo, brought to you from the livingrooms, bedrooms and offices of the world. I have watched doctors, firefighters and businesspeople perform for the cam while on duty. I've cammed for policemen and ambulance drivers parked on the side of the road. Bataille would love the blurring of work and play.

Yesterday, I saw a girl express milk from her breasts into a baby bottle and drink the contents before an eager audience. I suppose that could be called internet porn. It's also something else and it's that something else that I'm trying to touch.

Falling In A Forest


During yesterday's experiment, I received only one request...from J. It is an odd thing, performing for an ex-lover like that. Familiar and strange, all at once. With the somewhat nasty breakup still fresh, you would think that there would be some anger but there wasn't. Only awkward conversation about the business at hand.

This experience reminded me of a performance I did a couple of years ago in which I advertised my services to people who wanted to hear a bedtime story. They needed only to call me (I distributed bookmarks with my number on them) and I would show up with a few selections for their pleasure or, if they were so inclined, they could provide the reading material themselves. We would then climb into their bed together and I would do my best to bring the words to life.

I only got one participant then, as well, and it was an ex-boyfriend. He chose passages from a book I had given him when we were still together and we took turns reading from it. It was all very sweet and highly charged.

I'm wondering: is a performance that relies heavily on participation still a performance if there is only one participant? What if no one participates? Can it still go on my CV?

In The Tootsie Roll News

Back from another over-nighter at D's, sleepy, happy, sore, and ready to get to work.

The Weightless Tootsie Roll, though beyond my financial grasp, has garnered me a place of prominence at the official website:
Thanks for mentioning my auction on your blog, and now your story is mentioned on
How nice.

In a related bit of news, one of Miss Mew's online acquaintances has discovered my identity:
Floggmeister [offline 10:40:24 PM]: small world... it seems one of My little art endeavors ended up on a blog site in which you participate

Could the Tootsie Roll Man and Floggy be one and the same? This is not far-fetched. I first learned of the mysterious confection from one of Floggy's yahoo messages. Coincidence? I'm curious.

Tuesday, June 14, 2005

Waiting In Room

I feel like one of Cindy Sherman's Untitled Film Stills - the woman languishing on the sofa waiting for a call. Or a cheap hooker, tapping her foot impatiently while lighting yet another cigarette.

A Little Experiment...

I'm sitting here at my computer, dressed for company, waiting for someone at the gallery to message me. I don't have to be here - I'm only required to perform on Saturdays - but I feel that I need to work on the participation problem.

K. sent me a small critique. Here's a sampling:
the work was fairly well received. i think people were a bit turned off with the kinkiness of it. it made them uncomfortable. plus you yourself set it up to be sexual so you can't be shocked if people are uncomfortable with that...

many people didn't want to get involved with you because a) it took time, b) they would have to do something c) someone might see them doing something and d) they didn't know you. all of this combines to make people feel a bit off...

this particular piece was about control. you were taking on a persona where it was safe for you to act a certain way and for others to interect with you in a certain way. you then put this out in a public gallery where you couldn't see the people you were allowing to direct your body and take your picture. i think this touches a major cord with people (as it makes the work successful). many many people said that they were uncomfortable with the fact that you couldn't see them. it wasn't fair. it wasn't a trade off. all very interesting...

So, in the interest of experimentation, I thought I would open up the performance to my internet audience. For today only, if you would like me to perform for you, message me on yahoo messenger (theonemissmew) with the message FPC and I will pose for you to take screenshots. I will be available throughout the day and will show up as available if I want to perform. I would love it if you would then email a copy to me ( along with any thoughts you may have. Oh. And I reserve the right to decline any pose I don't feel like doing. I will post some of them on the site.

BTW, on a Mac, a screenshot is taken by pressing apple+shift+3. I have no idea how to do it on a PC.


For about a year now, I've been receiving email messages from Liesie. I don't know who this person is, only that they come from somewhere in the Netherlands and that they do not speak English. Numerous emails to Liesie, informing her/him that I am not the person they think I am, have gone unheeded. I wish that I would've kept all of the messages I've gotten - it's so unlike me to let something like that slide.

Today, I recieved a Hallmark ecard:
Beste anne,

Je hebt een Hallmark ecard ontvangen van liset.
Klik hier om deze ecard te bekijken.
Lukt het niet om te klikken op de link, kopieer dan deze link: naar je browser.


Ps: Wil je iemand extra verrassen? Stuur eens een bewegende Mobiele E-card

Monday, June 13, 2005

Candy For Manic Depressives

I have mood swings. It's a well documented fact. Therefore, I am seriously considering bidding on the mysterious Weightless Tootsie Roll. Two days left in the auction and the bidding stands at $10.00 US.
I was thinking about it the other day. Things are OK. Steady as she goes. I live in the same house. I have the same girlfriend (that would be Stacie). I have fish and they're doing well. My son gets pretty good grades and still drives his mother crazy. Things are just fine. Nothing is changing. Not one stinkin thing. I opened the junk drawer and saw it sitting there and it hit me like a sucker punch in bar fight, nothing at ALL has changed since I got this thing on the afternoon of Halloween 2003!

Now, I'm grateful for this in many ways, stability is good. But I've always been a risk taker. I've always been the guy that took a chance, win lose or draw, and since the Powers in the Tootsie Roll Package came into my life, NOTHING has changed.

I'm ready to live on the edge again. I'm ready to risk it all and take my chances. I need and desperately desire change in my life, so the time is now and the time is right to make an unprecedented offer right here and now!

Since the empty Tootsie Roll package was put up for auction, ontrack-ny's luck has been taking a downward spiral. His fish are dying daily. This is taken as a sign of the Tootsie Roll's awesome powers. I must have it.

*UPDATE* The Tootsie Roll now stands at $1000.00 US, with 1 day and 14 hours to go, and is out of my reach. Now, I'm depressed.

Post Opening


My first performance of the piece for TPW has come and gone. I have agreed to do it again each Saturday for the duration of the show. I hope that it is better received than at the opening.

The art crowd is a tough audience for my work. K. said that they were afraid to come near the computer. Getting participation was very difficult. I'm curious as to why that would be.

Is it the gallery structure? Is it the sexual connotations associated with web camming? Are they uncomfortable with taking such an active role in the making of the work? Are they afraid that they will look foolish? I'm not sure.

At precisely 5pm EST, when the opening was officially over, I shut the computer down and went to sleep.

Saturday, June 11, 2005

A Performance


theonemissmew: i want to play. will anyone play with me?
susansontag2005: hello
theonemissmew: hello
theonemissmew: who am i talking to?
susansontag2005: i work at the gallery
theonemissmew: hello gallery worker
theonemissmew: would you like to play?
susansontag2005: i morph animals
theonemissmew: into what?
theonemissmew: i will have to check it out.
susansontag2005: people into animals
susansontag2005: animals into people
susansontag2005: animals into other animals
theonemissmew: i turn people into animals too.
susansontag2005: oh cool
theonemissmew: would you like to be an animal?
susansontag2005: um i am an animal
theonemissmew: what kind of animal?
susansontag2005: changes day to day --- cheetah
susansontag2005: how about you?
theonemissmew: i'm a cat. sometimes a kitten, sometimes a full grown cat that hunts and eats.
theonemissmew: would you like to help me?
susansontag2005: hmmm hunter
susansontag2005: it is a long process
susansontag2005: 16 levels in
susansontag2005: you can sign up on the website
theonemissmew: i will bookmark it and have a look.
susansontag2005: lets play ok
theonemissmew: would you like to pose me and take a screenshot for me? i need your help
susansontag2005: cat pose
theonemissmew: curled up or pouncing?
susansontag2005: grrrrr
susansontag2005: raaar
susansontag2005: rrraaaar
susansontag2005: pouneee
susansontag2005: this photo shoot is really working for me
theonemissmew: lol
theonemissmew: i'm glad to hear it. i like it too
theonemissmew: you can print something out and post it. if you are able, you can email yourself the file as well
susansontag2005: done
theonemissmew: terrific.
theonemissmew: you're fun to play with
susansontag2005: ok well there is a line up sooo
susansontag2005: tke care kitty
theonemissmew: alright. mew.

Friday, June 10, 2005

Surprise, Surprise

Female ejaculation is not a myth.

Went to a blues bar with D. last night and drank tequila - a very bad move. I was hammered. I am such a sucky drunk. One really shouldn't discuss one's feelings in a state of intoxication. People usually say "I was not myself" to excuse drunken revelations but I don't believe it. I think when people are drunk, they spill their guts - maybe even guts they didn't know they had to spill. What they really should say is "I leaked out".

Thursday, June 09, 2005

Coming Together


Had a big nap today and I'm feeling a little better.

The installation continues. After much skyping, my stuff is hung and ready to go. I'm going to throw up, I think. What a baby I am.

I've been receiving lots of help with this operation. K. was painting away at the gallery today and took some shots of the space to show me where things are going in. B. is working as my stage manager, helping me transform my room into something useful. D. will be acting as my lighting assistant, showing up tonight to help me rig up a lamp. I feel so loved.

Wednesday, June 08, 2005

Slump's A'Comin'

I'm feeling rough today...but happy, and that makes up for it. I'm going to have to slow down though. I can feel it coming - the slump. My body is crying out for rest. I just need to make it through the weekend and then I'll lay down. The post opening letdown will be a good excuse for a cozy depression. I want to close my eyes and be rocked to sleep.

Why must I always fire on all cylinders til I'm completely out of fuel? Why do I jump headlong into things/people? Why does it feel so good? I said that I wouldn't do this again. I feel like this time it's different but then, don't I always feel that way? As K. said when I told him about D."And so it begins". God. I'm that girl, aren't I?

I think I live in a transporter, beaming from situation to situation, propelled by my orgasm.

Tuesday, June 07, 2005

The Personality Test, or, Why Do I Do This To Myself?

Taking a cue from kattmandu, I decided to take the personality test. The results were depressingly accurate. Here's the snapshot:
craves attention, messy, open, rash, irritable, likes large parties, low self control, weird, fragile, does not like to be alone, emotionally sensitive, worrying, depressed, heart over mind, does not respect authority, dependent, not rule conscious, not good at saving money, more interested in relationships than intellectual pursuits, likes to fit in, very social, frequently second guesses self, phobic, suspicious, not careful, outgoing, vain, compassionate, aggressive, likes to make fun, hates to lose
It's like looking in a mirror, something I try not to do with any frequency.

Tiny Story

I breathe into you
my want
and you gasp
and swallow

A Brief Post In The Middle Of Living

Spent the night at D's and enjoyed myself immensely. B was happy because she got to live on the computer and sleep in my bed. I asked her what she thought of D and she said that he reminded her of all of my art friends. It's true. It's nice having a friend in town. I missed having someone to hang out with. He's better than my friends, though, because he puts out.

Monday, June 06, 2005

Ready, Set

My eldest daughter moved in last night and I've been showing her around town.

I don't have to worry about her finding out what Mommy does in her spare time. She reads my blog. We don't really talk about it though. We talk around it. I am far more open online than I am off.

Installation for the show began today and I was there, via skype and yahoo, trying to figure out how to lay out the show. There were a few unforeseen problems (as usual) and a few things we changed our minds on once we started working with the space but, all in all, I'm starting to feel more confident about what we're doing.

We also tested the cam on the gallery computer to make sure everything was set up correctly. It was a success, thank god. You'd think I would work these things out before installation, I like to live on the edge. Kevin Hampson will be writing up the instructions for my participants. I don't know what I'd do without him.

Sunday, June 05, 2005

Me And Them

Recent developments in the blog comments have caused me to consider my motivations in continuing this experiment.

Originally, the blog functioned as an outlet for my feelings of disconnectedness to my art practice and the art world of which I was only peripherally a part. Giving myself a new art world and insinuating myself into it seemed like a good way to alleviate the tragic symptoms of the Lone Artist.

I don't have a studio. I work where I live and my work is about living and it's always about my interactions with others and how to draw/blur the line between Me and Them. The blog has not only become my outlet for concectivity, it has become the work - an unforseen consequence of blurring boundaries. I don't want to talk about as much as I want to be.

And so, my messy life is available to my audience. Of course, the result of that is that those who interact with me also become enmeshed in the story. This may be unfair. This may be cruel. This may be necessary.

Saturday, June 04, 2005

Tiny Story

They throw looks at each other.
Soon, there will be a struggle.
They are always falling.
They will fall again.

Why I've Been AFK

D's first encounter with the whip

Life is in the way of my blog and I don't care. I'm having fun.

Since the infamous play party, I have been spending all of my free time lying in someone else's bed. I'm trying to work out how I feel about that. Is it another in my endless stream of whirlwind-romance/doomed-from-the-start/frying-pan-to-fire affairs I seem to have an affinity for? Could be. But it could also be that something-I-didn't-think-possible event that I would be a fool to throw away. Either way, it's bound to generate some new material and, after all, isn't that what makes my life worth living?

Besides the beatings, D. and I have an alarming number of similarities, from the trivial to the epic. We talk about everything our greedy mouths and minds can conjure up and listen to each other's ramblings. He's the first person I've met that reminds me of myself that I don't instantly hate. I hope this means that I am gaining self acceptance.

I love it when I learn something new about myself and this week has been a tumult of discovery. For example, I have been astounded by, not only my readiness to inflict harm on the bodies of others, but the sheer delight I experience while doing so. I can't even type the words without a pleasant tingle at the memory.

I am sleepy and satisfied.

Wednesday, June 01, 2005

And I'm There Again

From Attachments:
i went to my exlover's house yesterday. we nearly made love and i couldn't go through with it. i couldn't deal with the absence of passion. he only lets me halfway in. i need to be enveloped. i need to be eaten completely.

now, i am miserable. i never should have gone there. i don't know why i hope or care or love. i want to be a machine.

and i hate you for being so far away. you're not a dream or a fantasy or a memory. you aren't made of flesh. you touch me in words and sounds and things. always mediated. second hand. i can't really hate you. or love you. i can't throw things at you. i can't pull you down onto me. you have no smell. you taste like cotton...



...The more physical and beautiful and separate and real you seem to me, the further away you seem, the more reachable you feel. The more I am desperate for you, the more I am frightened of you.

I want to talk to you again. Very soon. Tonight. Stop my words. Thankyou for the beautiful letters. I will not hate you for them...



I've been going through some stuff today and ran into the manuscript for a collection of emails I want to eventually have published. The emails are the essence of an online relationship that spilled over into phone lines and, ultimately, an ill-fated meeting. When I read them, as I have been, the romance is rekindled. I'm not remembering a romantic event when I read them. The reading IS the event.

J asked me before why I don't just publish them online in their original email format but I like the idea of turning them into a nostalgic memento. I think about the published letters of famous people - those wonderful slim volumes that reek of personal sentiment - and I think that it would be nice to make a precious collection out of a virtual love affair. If only a publisher felt the same way...

I'm not sure if it would be best were one of us famous. Probably.